1) The Forecast.
"Hey everybody, it's Chett McGornell here with the Channel 3 Forecast, brought to you by Bill Jenkinson's Ford Outlet, and it looks like we have some winter weather on the way! Our latest projections with the Doppler 3600 Hemi Radar is that we're in for 5 to 7 inches of snow tomorrow, starting around 10 AM and continuing throughout the day before tapering off sometime overnight. This looks like it could be a bad storm, folks, so stay safe and inside and off of those roads unless, of course, you bought a new Ford truck from the fine folks over at Bill Jenkinson's Ford Outlet, in which case you feel free to go out and show everybody that a real man doesn't need to stay inside like them hippies with their hybrids scooters. Bill Jenskinson's, your source for fine Ford products. And now over to Jimmy Stevens with sports."
2) The Panic
The grocery store looks like the Super Duper Mart from Fallout 3, complete with menacing thugs roaming the aisles, looking for either the last few cans of beans on the shelves or intruders to mug. There isn't a roll of toilet paper for sale anywhere in the state, and most of the newsprint has been requisitioned as well. But the main shortage is for booze. The ABC store (for state-run liquor store) is a war zone. Whiskey, gin, vodka, bloody mary mix--it doesn't even matter what's in the bottle, as long as you can get your hands on it and throw it in the shopping basket. The people that were stupid enough to go to the grocery store BEFORE going to the liquor store are reduced to buying the 2 oz. mini bottles by the dozen. Anything to ensure that you don't have to talk to your family sober while you're all snowed in together.
3) The Lull
The provisions have been secured and moved into the house. You've got everything you think you need--food, drinks, books, porn. You're ready. You're even a little bit excited--a day off of work/school and nothing to do but watch the snow come down and lay in bed. You've made a fort out of the couch cushions, two blankets, and a half roll of duct tape. You're ready to go. Snowmageddon can't touch you. You're ready.
4) The Disappointment
It's a quarter past noon, and still no snow to be seen. The snowplows are driving around in a forlorn manner, looking for something to pass the time. You're beginning to feel a little bit stupid for calling out today. Did the forecast maybe mean next week would be when the blizzard comes? That fucking Chett McGornall. Oh, wait, there's a flake. And another. Not that much though. It's not even sticking to the ground. Well, you can't go into work now anyways. Might as well crack a beer.
5) The Hangover
Goddamn, your head hurts. That's what happens when you run out of beer and spend an evening drinking gin and blue Powerade. Ugh, close those blinds already. Your fucking head! You squint out the window, momentarily ignoring the intense pain it causes your frontal cortex. There's a half-inch of white stuff on the grass, and the roads are completely clear. Traffic is flowing normally. Ugh. You head back to your blanket fort, into the comforting darkness, and call out of work again. Your boss probably doesn't believe you when you tell him you're snowed in your driveway, but what the hell. This pain in your head isn't going away anytime soon. Hey, there's half a liter of gin left here. Do you have any more Powerade?
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