You may have noticed I haven't posted in a while. I apologize. It's because I've been building shelters and stocking supplies for the impending zombie apocalypse. Oh, you didn't know that the zombie apocalypse was starting? It's true. Grab your canned goods and boomsticks while there is still time, dear reader.
There have been two high-profile incidents of cannibalism in the United States over the past two weeks, which is exactly two more incidents of cannibalism than I can remember reported over the past 22 years of my life. It started with a man named Rudy Eugene, who I will call Patient Zero from this point forward, attacking a homeless man in Miami and literally chewing his face off. No, seriously. And to put the cherry on top of the sundae of creepy in that story, he remembered to strip naked before commencing his feast. The Miami-Dade police, displaying an awareness of the zombie threat rarely found in law enforcement agents, shot the man dead--a process that took no less than a half-dozen shots, according to initial reports.
A few days later, the terror struck close to home when a student at Morgan State University 'fessed up to killing his roommate and proceeding to eat his heart and brain (to absorb his power, one would assume) and disposing of the rest in a dumpster behind a church. The crime only came to light when police arrested the student after his brother found a human head and two hands in a trash can in the student's residence. Again: no, seriously.
I can't speculate how the infection spread from Florida to the mid-Atlantic so fast, but its presence in such highly-populated areas is certainly a bad sign for our chances in coming war for our survival. The shuffling hordes of Latino zombies headed north in the coming months, marching to meet their Yanqui compatriots in a diabolical yet shambly pincer movement, might well spell our doom unless awareness is spread and preparations are made. Don't delay! These sorts of things can't be done overnight. Ready your weapons and supplies now. Start cramming on zombie lore now-- to quote Chinese general and all-around man's man Sun Tzu: "It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will
not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies
but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know
your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle." If anybody would know about the level of danger we're in right now, it's definitely a long-dead warrior/philosopher who may or may not have existed.
On one hand, I am a little bummed out over the end of civilization as I know it. But it is good to know that all those hours I spent playing Resident Evil and Left 4 Dead won't have been for naught. I evidently spent my teenage years in vital research for the betterment of mankind! Huzzah! If this blog goes dead for an extended period I think it would be safe to assume that I've been killed by a rogue zombie who has eaten my face and vital organs. Heck, maybe this means the Mayans were right after all!
