Matt Christiana makes me want to put one in my own ear

Goddammit, this commercial contains so many things that I hate. In fact, I'm pretty sure that Matt Christiana is now my least favorite person in America. Possibly my least favorite person in all of North America, although I'm pretty sure Cristiano Ronaldo is still the world-wide belt holder.

Gratuitous aside: 3 more for Messi! FCB all-time leading scorer at age 24! Holy hell--viva el rey! I can't stop using exclamation points!

First off, let's start with his nasty-ass hair. You know the situation is severe when even a stylist can't get your hair to look presentable for a nationally-aired commercial. I shudder to think about what it looks like on a daily basis, particularly since anybody who is that passionate about Taco Bell's "cuisine" clearly has something of a deviant relationship with grease.

Even beyond the disaster residing on top of his cranium and his unhealthy passion for Taco Bell, look at how this dick treats his friends. At 0:13, dear lord, is he giving his unsuspecting friend a wet willie? Is there anybody older than 13 who still thinks wet willies are acceptable? Matt Fucking Christiana does, evidently. As if getting dragged across the country in a confined space with your douchebaggery wasn't enough of a punishment? Jesus, Matt, the only reason he went to sleep was to escape from you and your shit-eating grin for a few brief minutes, and you couldn't even give him that little bit of peace.

I'm not even going to make fun of that abomination he calls his mustache. No degree of difficulty in that. You just go ahead and fill in your joke here.

And then when they get there, I think the best way I could describe his friend's reactions is "barely disguised disappointment." You know when you're friend's been talking up a movie for days or weeks, and you finally watch it with them and it's awful? You plaster that halfhearted smirk on your face throughout the thing and mock it incessantly in your head, right? Well, I feel like that describes their entire relationship with Matt. I wouldn't be shocked if he got them into the car at gunpoint. They, like almost all of the non-stoner population of America, probably realized at once that a taco with a Doritos shell would be vile. Only one jackass in that advertisement seems even remotely excited.

Also, how environmentally irresponsible was this little adventure? Driving 1800 miles round-trip in what appears to be a pisshole of a car just for some fucking tacos? His carbon footprint probably looks like Paul Bunyan's. At least when Paul Bunyan cut down a bunch of trees and raped a landscape we got some lakes out of the deal. All Matt's jaunt down the highway produced was long-term climate change and (hopefully) his eventual heart failure.

Matt Christiana, I wish upon you a death most painful. I wish that your "friends" (I can't use the term anymore without sarcastic quotation marks) hogtie you in the Taco Bell parking lot and leave you to be picked at by buzzards and hobos. I wish that you contract an extremely virulent and painful case of food poisoning that renders you incapable of leaving your bathroom for days at a time and makes your asshole burn with the fury of a thousand supernovae. Then maybe, just maybe, you will have some idea of the pain you've inflicted on the unsuspecting American public by subjecting us to this commercial.