Holy shit. Well, I'm back. I don't really feel like writing about Mass Effect at the moment, having spent the majority of my leisure time over the past two weeks playing or thinking about it--interrupted only by my schedule of employment and a daylong bender on St. Patrick's Day. I regret nothing.
I've been mulling on this idea for a while now, but never really had an opportunity to put it down in a coherent manner until now. My musings began when I was poking through Galeano's Soccer in Sun and Shadow (a fine read, for those who are curious) and stumbled through a line in the final third of the book where the Uruguayan states something to the effect that "tell me how you play, and I will tell you who you are." Evidently, the manner with which we run around a predefined rectangular area in shorts and kick an inflated sphere is the window to our inner workings. Who knew the profession of psychology was so superfluous? Instead I took it in the opposite direction--I looked at characters whose personalities I knew and extrapolated them onto a hypothetical pitch.
So one thing leads to another up in the old brainbox, and I find myself pondering things like "Who would be the most offensively inclined character in As I Lay Dying?" or "Who would take the penalties in Hard Times?" It was about that time I realized I may have a problem.
OK, here we go. I've tried to include a mix of contemporary and classic characters, simply for the sake of variety. We'll play 4-3-3 for no other reason than I like the 4-3-3.
Keeper: Monsieur Meursault (L'Etranger, Camus) Keepers are different, it's universally agreed, and Meursault certainly fits the bill on that score. It's hardly surprising, given Camus' pedigree between the sticks, that his most famous character would be a natural in the position (Camus played goal at the University of Algiers). Meursault has the solitary nature and steady disposition to hold down the fort, but underneath that he's also got the fire to support his teammates--and probably scare the piss out of any forward who has to challenge him in the air. Gets the starting nod over Ron Weasley.
Left back: Humbert Humbert (Lolita, Nabokov) Humbert is the thinking man's player: never out of position, never tricked by a stepover, never baited into a poor pass. Doesn't do anything spectacularly right but certainly never gets anything spectacularly wrong. Not averse to getting forward if the situation permits (he does like to score, after all--hey-o!) but he won't abandon his defensive responsibilities to do so. Problems could arise for certain road games, seeing as he is legally barred from some parks and schools.
Center back: Jean Valjean (Les Miserables, Hugo) A workhorse at the back. Marks everybody, tackles everything that gets near him, wins every header in his own half. Spends the whole match cleaning up everybody's shit and making Meursault's life easy. Not much of an offensive presence, but has been known to pick up the occasional goal from a corner. He's also maybe the only player in the side still wearing Adidas Copa Mundials.
Center back: Jaime Lannister (A Song of Ice and Fire series, Martin) As Commander of the Kingsguard, he's obviously concerned with protecting what's important in his life (regardless of how political his appointment was initially). He plays a very different center back from Jean Valjean, one that involves a great deal more trash talk and aggressiveness. Sometimes the risks he takes backfire--there's a reason he only has one hand, after all--but those instances are outweighed by the havoc his workrate and bravado wreak.
Right back: Don Quixote (Don Quixote, de Cervantes) The old boy on the squad, Don Quixote makes up for his distinct lack of pace with a defensive craftiness and competitive zest that younger competition can rarely match. As long as his Dulcinea is on the sidelines (or rather, as long as he believes that she is) not much will get past him down the flank. Not the most offensive outside back in La Mancha, but prone to the occasional flight of fancy down the touchline. Also good in the air, albeit more as a product of his gangly stature than any fantastic aerodynamic inclinations.
Left midfield: Huckleberry Finn (The Adventures of Tom Sawyer/Huckleberry Finn, Twain) He won't be able to join the boys in the bar afterwards, but Finn can hang with his more elderly teammates during the game. He's obviously a work in progress, but even now he possesses both the pace to beat men down the line or the touch to cut it inside them. Discipline could be an issue: his carefree attitude means he's often out of position or careless with his defensive responsibilities, but what adolescent does have perfect discipline? It's a good thing that Humbert Humbert and Yossarian play nearby, to keep his temper in check when necessary.
Center midfield: John Yossarian (Catch-22, Heller) Yossarian's always been about keeping it real, and he does that in the middle of the park with aplomb. The 4-3-3 formation is weaker in the center than a 4-4-2 or 4-5-1, so the center midfielder is forced to do twice the work with half the help. But luckily Yossarian is used to that after his extended tour of duty in the 256th Squadron. Drapes himself on the opposing number ten, busts up incoming runs, links up with the frontline and starts the counterattack. He's not afraid to have a shot from distance, as a nod to his roots as a bombardier. Think Scott Parker, with a more subversive worldview.
Right midfield: Samwise Gamgee (The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Tolkien) Sam's schtick has always been about help: helping keep the garden at Bag End, helping Frodo across Middle-Earth, carrying his inert master up the slopes of Mount Doom in the finale. Maybe he'll get a little more heroic in his role in the midfield, although I suspect a fair bit of his time will be spent helping Yossarian cover for Huck Finn's defensive indiscretions. On the other hand, he's resourceful, clever, and always seem to be in the right spot. Maybe not terribly dangerous as a goalscoring threat, but he could certainly create for the front three or pick out a final ball. One can only hope there's less sexual tension between Sam and his teammates than Sam experienced with Frodo.
Left wing: Katniss Everdeen (The Hunger Games trilogy, Collins) Loads of pace, deft touch down the line, crosses usually on point. A surprisingly good finisher, on the rare occasions she finds herself in front of goal, but she's much more home out on the wing and in the channel. She won't win too many in the air and can get knocked off the ball if you can catch her, but good luck with that. Don't fuck with her, or you'll be getting a kick to the ankle and your hand stepped on when you're down.
Center forward: Zaphod Beeblebrox (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, Adams) He's cocky. He's arrogant. He'll never shut the fuck up. His boots are giving the spectators migraines. All the opponents and most of the neutral observers hate him. Hell, half of his own team probably hates him. But here's the thing: he's good. He's spent the first ten minutes making obvious runs into offside positions, demanding fouls that clearly weren't committed, and talking his marker's ear off all the while. And just when you're writing him off as a scrub--BAM! He's in at goal, around the keeper, and scored. Whammy. Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters on him at the postgame drink-up. He'll want to take all the penalties, although Katniss might have something to say about that if she can get the ball first.
Right wing: Rupert Angier (The Prestige, Priest) He's a magician. He's tricksy. He's good on the ball. Where were
you expecting me to go with this? It's not always very complicated. Angier's
defensive workrate is fairly abysmal, but I suppose I'm willing to
overlook that for the pleasure of watching him dribble through the other
team. His finishing and crossing are acceptable--not great, but acceptable--yet pale compared to his technical skills.
Captain: Jean Valjean Calm, dignified, always the voice of reason. A reassuring presence for the entire side and somebody everyone respects in times of duress. Maybe the only person on the team that Beeblebrox would listen to.
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